The Fart Chronicles.

here is the oxford dictionary definition of fart:

“Fart is a dischrage of wind from the anus”.

A more accurate definiton says:

“An often audible discharge of intestinal gas”.

The OED defines the transitive verb form of fart:

“To send forth as wind from the anus 1632.”

We are all much obsessed with Farts. We all have frequent occurences of the holy “Aasana-nishvaasam”, where u either try controlling, succesful desistance if lucky, esp if u r in a company of one or two ppl, or u happily give it a vent, nd smiling happily as its pumped out. There is this awesome theory, rather a song, which is a malayali creation i am most proud of, which efficiently describes the relation of a fart’s smell with the sound it produces. It goes like this.

” BHUM BHUM PARIMALAKAANTHI,

PEE PEE ENNATHU MADHYAMAM,

KASHA PISHA MAHAAA KASHTAM,

NISHABDAM, PRAAAAANA SANKADAM!!!!”

( BHUM BHUM= Fragrance,

PEE PEE= Medial,

KASHA PISHA= Tribulation,

Silent=  Heart Wrenching!  )

This is a site which houses the most  cliched nd non-cliched  Fart sounds:

www.dotfart.com/farting_noises.php

The Oxford English Dictionary , in its inimitable way, notes that the word “fart” is “not in decent use. “My sister thinks the use of  ”vali”, is indecent, so i plan to call it “Aasana-Nishvaasam” at home, Though vali is better anyday. nd it wud suffice pretty well here. THe more u try to curb it, usually the more sound nd insult it results. Nd to fart without being noticed is a craft that u can attain only wid persistant practice nd talent. To make-believe that u r not the culprit is yet another skill of deception. Farts if made a social acknowledgement gesture wud welcome more people to come forward nd exhibit their amazing capabilities in this field. Indians wud do pretty well, Burping is our national sport, this cud get us gold in olympics again. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people’s health, as it supposedly was harmful to retain the eruption. Or that ur stomach cud burst out of excess pressure due to witheld gas.

Flatulence, or “The presence of excessive gas in the digestive tract”, is the sole nd primary reason for untimely, often audible, fragrance bursts.

The odour of flatulence comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulphide gas nd mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulphur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole nd indole also add to the stench of flatulence. The more sulphur-rich ur diet, the more sulphides nd mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in ur guts, nd the more ur flatulence will stink.

Foods such as cauliflower nd eggs are notorious for producing smelly flatulence, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky flatulence. I cudnt find the details abt Pizzas nd shawarma though.

ND DID U KNOW!!??

Dat stinky flatulence are generally warmer than regular flatulence??!!!!

So it is. Most flatulence gas comes from swallowed air nd consists largely of nitrogen nd carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odourless, although they often pick up other, nd more odiferous, components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous flatulence, but they are commonly (but not always! ) mundane with respect to odour, nd don’t feel particularly warm.

Does ny one of my fellow readers think nd believe that they have a flatulence count of less than 5 a day?? Then i suggest you go see a doctor, u might even die of  Brain tumour within 10 days. The WORLD MEDICAL COUNCIL says, on average, a person produces about half a litre of flatulence gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily flatulence. Nd this activity can most certainly happen while u sleep also, how magical.

Nd about the speed by which flatulence gas spreads depends on pretty interesting facts. Flatulence travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature nd wind speed nd direction, the molecular weight of the flatulence particles, nd the distance between the flatulence transmitter nd the flatulence receiver. [:o]. So the next time u fart nd wanna blame sumone else for the smell by frowning or mocking them, before you make the accusation, take an effort to find the wind speed nd humidity nd other checks, especially the MOLECULAR WEIGHT OF THE FLATULENCE PARTICLES. Or you might just end up talking abt it much before the glorious effort reaches the nose of ur companions. People even flatulate shortly after death.

Nd on the prospectus time of usual vali, an ordinary gentleman is mostly likely to flatulate first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as “morning thunder,” nd if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household. Now that we know it, we better check our toilets for unwanted reverb or resonance.

How often have you held in a flatulation, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the flatulence has disappeared when you are ready for it? Nd flatulence is not an apparition, it is flatulence, it doesnt just “Disappear”. Be aware that flatulence is not really lost, it is just delayed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine nd comes out later, supposedly.

Nd it is possible to ignite ur fart. Farts burn because they contain usually  methane nd hydrogen, both of which are flammable fart gases. So dnt fart when sumone is smoking near u. Nd it cud be the perpetual source of fuel in the coming generations. We wud probably have fart tanks, with pressurized farts. Nd u might even have to pay for a tank, if u are into family planning much.

This arbit shit thanks the internet for the wide knowledge provided. Nd im happy i cud help.

~ by thespaghettimonster on March 12, 2010.